Impressive Instant: Life In The Red Velvet Chair

Last night was my first rally thing. Well I mean there were those pep rallies back in high school, but I mean political and all. It was "A Rally Against Discrimination" to oppose the Federal Anti-Marriage Amendment. It was pretty good. Speakers all about equal rights between gay and straight. There were plenty of, "Shame on you President Bush" lines spouted, ala Michael Moore. There were plenty of lines pointing out that Bush was diverting attention away from the failed economy, loss of jobs, the fibbing that caused the war in Iraq, etc to focus on splitting the country on the fag issue. There just were lots of the same stuff that I've heard and read before. Good stuff, but the same old same old.

About midway through the rally they have a 13 year old boy take to the podium. He talked about his two moms. Their love for each other. Their love for him and his brother and sister. He talked about their day to day life. He asked President Bush why he wouldn't let his moms be married. He wanted to know what was wrong with his family. The boy was a good speaker I must say. I about cried listening to him. I mean I'm angry and want equality for marriage because I want to be equal. I want to know that if/when I fall in love I can have the same institution of marriage that my Mom has. I want to know that I'm financially and legally protected as well as my spouse would be. I never even considered the families that are already together and dealing with this struggle. I never thought of the impact this has on the kids. *sigh*

*SCREAMS and then bangs head repeatedly on the desk top* Alrighty that felt good!

The problem - I have no job and really I have no solid leads on any. I get my ass out of bed every single morning and scour The Washington Post, Monster.com, Yahoo's Hot Jobs, The Washington Blade Online, and any other place where I think there may be a glimmer of hope. I'm about to finish up week 2 of this search and I've sent out a few dozen resumes and spoke to a few people.

I was bored enough today to read a good majority of the articles and features on Monster.com. I got some awesome ideas from a few articles they had concerning resume building. So I'm "revamping" my entire resume tonight and throughout the weekend. Then come Monday, I will start fresh with a new FABULOUS marketing campaign for me. We're talking Howard Dean sized campaign with John Kerry like success! LoL

Well anyways, the good news is that I still have another payroll deposit coming in a week or so. So I'm good on rent and my bills through April. However, without the financial certainty afterwards I have to cut back on spending. No "happy, carefree" shopping at Best Buy. No Saturday afternoon "worshiping" at the alter of Macy*s. No more fine dining at Subway. It's the McDonald's Dollar Menu for me. And those days of keeping a stocked liquor cabinet .......

Well let's be real here. The Vodka supply will be continually replenished. As God (ie Versace & Princess Diana) as my witness, I will steal, cheat, swindle, con, murder, maim, or whatever else needs to be done. I will NEVER be without Vodka. Never! *takes a swig or more off the bottle*

*sigh* Seriously though, I'm just bored being home, watching daytime TV; and I'm a tad unnerved not knowing my financial standing after next month.

*IMPORTANT NOTICE - Any form of contact addressed to me or any entity that I own/control becomes my property to do with as I see fit upon receipt. Exception to this policy only when specifically designated else wise, under mutually agreed upon terms prior to my receipt of contact.

(In terms a child can comprehend - Think before you speak, type, write, etc. Only god knows what I'll do with some Fabulous instant message or email that proves you to be an ass!)

** Although this public journal is promoted as "un-edited", I still try to be sensitive to the feelings of people. My goal is never to humiliate or be hurtful to anyone. Although on rare occasions I feel it necessary to discuss topics that could possibly hurt or anger the person(s) involved in topic of entry. These entries are typically used as a last resort venting, or perhaps something that I feel is of significant importance in my life and needs recorded for future reference.

So this morning I'm sitting at the computer reading the news and sipping on a Vodka Mocha Latte when I get an IM from my ex Henry. Not anything out of the blue, We chit chat online often. I try to maintain friendships with my ex's. After this, I'm reconsidering that policy, but whatever. This is the conversation in it's entirety. My comments for the journal are in blue.

Henry (12:33:30 PM): Hiya

Me (12:33:39 PM): Hey there!

Henry (12:34:06 PM): What are ya up to today?

Me (12:34:22 PM): Not much. you?

Henry (12:34:40 PM): Nothing, off this weekend.

Me (12:34:46 PM): cool cool!

Henry (12:35:00 PM): Tried to plan something.

Me (12:35:14 PM): Didn’t work out?

I had no idea what he was actually referring to with the planning.

Henry (12:36:31 PM): You would never give me an answer.

It now dawns on me that he had vaguely asked earlier in the week when we could get together.

Me (12:37:35 PM): You never proposed any real plans.

Henry (12:37:41 PM): I tried to get you to go away for the weekend.

Me (12:38:02 PM): Oh, I didn't/don't want to go away this weekend.

Lord knows he'd tote this as a romantic get -a-way. I have no interest in rekindling any part of our previous relationship.

Me (12:38:23 PM): I've got too many things to accomplish to go away.

To the normal person, that was a polite, yet true reason for not going with him.

Henry (12:39:01 PM): I was looking at going to Myrtle Beach.

Me (12:39:13 PM): Coolies

Typical of him, he dreams up these things, having total disregard to my tastes and enjoyments. It's common, public knowledge that I'm not a big fan of beaches. My delicate skin burns way too easily!

Me (12:39:29 PM): Like I said, I have too much to accomplish to be able to go away at this point

I have resume re-writing, an evening of clubbing with close friends, wardrobe designing for Monday evening's date, responsibility of Kitty, shopping, etc. I could go on forever with my To-Do list!

Henry (12:40:03 PM): That’s cool,

That was where he should have stopped and accepted the fate of things gracefully. *sigh* Unfortunately, gracefully ending anything is not and never was his strong point.

Henry (12:40:55 PM): I am kinda upset with you.

Me (12:41:04 PM): Oh?

I knew he was about to bitch about something that would more than likely be his own personal issue that he wanted to blame me for. It always was!

Henry (12:47:13 PM): I was looking at your homepage, and your journal, and frankly I am upset. You never once mentioned me in your life. I kinda feel left out of your life. Was I such a disappointment or someone that you used. We went through a lot together, I help you a lot and you didn’t even mention the Bette concert.

My ears perked up at the mention of my website. I do love to hear that people are reading!

Henry (12:49:01 PM): I sometimes feel I am being used by people, but from you really upsets me

Well, don't let people use you! However, I'm not sure how not mentioning him in my journal would mean that I used him. *shrugs*

Me (12:49:15 PM): Well to address the current exclusion of any mention of the Bette Concert the current entry is in my February 04 Journal -

FEBRUARY 1st 2004

The journal entries for this month are currently in hand written form, since that's the way I was doing my journal while ii was down. I'll have them typed in soon enough.

^_^

Make sure you read everything and check dates before making an ass of yourself!

Me (12:50:23 PM): As for any other mention in my journal whether you are ever mentioned or not mentioned I currently can not confirm. However, my website as well as the creation of my journal occurred after we had broken up and I moved away from Fredericksburg

I'm not going to scour my entire journal of approximately 3 years for a mention of him. So I won't deny his claim of exclusion. I do find it hard to believe I've never bitched about something he's said or done. It does happen on a regular occurrence. LoL Perhaps I never felt the need to bring such star qualities of his to public light!

Me (12:51:07 PM): I do not dwell on the past and do not feel the need to rewrite my history into a journal or website that topics my present day life

Why write past story lines when I have enough new material to write about? "As Stephen's World Turns"

Henry (12:51:10 PM): This is true but, you mention Karen a lot.

She used to be my fucking best friend you dolt! Hell I put her before you even when we were dating. You think you'd come close to rating near her after I broke up with you?

Me (12:51:37 PM): Other than a few brief flash back here and the fact that my site is about my life from July of 2001 to the present.

I kind of wish that I had marked it on the calendar when I dumped him. I do know it was well before I moved to Northern Virginia in December of 2000. So obviously, I had given him the role of "Ex Boy Friend"* well before I began this journal. Again, I feel no need to rehash old story lines just yet. I have plenty of new material to write about!

*Defined as a person who I once shared an intimate and romantic relationship with, whose role in my present life is typically limited/occasional participation. In some extreme instances the roll will have no participation in my current life, just a part of my past.

Henry (12:51:59 PM): I just feel that I was there a lot.

Clearly not enough for me to write about it here!

Me (12:52:06 PM): Regarding Karen, She was a large part of my life until around midway through 2002.

I really wanted to tell him, "She was my best friend. The one that always ranked over you!" I didn't want to be that mean though!

Henry (12:52:20 PM): and I wasn’t?

Well after the brake up you weren't a welcomed part of my life! Obviously I'm feeling a lot of anger at this point in the conversation. I'm hoping it ends soon, before I do start being painfully truthful.

Me (12:52:42 PM): You were not involved heavily in my life after my departure from Fredericksburg.

I attempted to be friends. Visited periodically. Hell, failed relationship aside he was a decent guy that I used to be good friends with.

Me (12:52:53 PM): You and I did not really start speaking until late last year.

Always with begging for me to come back. I couldn't deal with that any more! I had to cut ties with him for a while.

Me (12:53:11 PM): and that is only because you started using the internet. I don't keep in touch with many people from my past that do not use the internet to communicate. It's well known that I'm not a fan of the phone.

It's well known that Instant Messenger and/or Email is my preferred form of communication. Easier to multi-task that way! Hell, ask Chad! We rarely talk on the phone.

Henry (12:53:46 PM): I know that.

Me (12:54:59 PM): If you know all that, then what is the issue?

LoL Dumb ass!

Henry (12:55:34 PM): I just feel a little left out of your life.

Well duh! I made a clear signal that I wanted it that way when I dumped you!

Henry (12:57:04 PM): I do think about you still, I wonder what you are up to, is everything going good for you, stuff like that, and yes I do miss at times.

I can't blame him on that one. We are talking about ME after all! LoL Seriously though, very sweet sentiments, that I at times reciprocate. Unfortunately, if I were to ever say something that nice he's take it as a sign that I was madly in love and wanted to get married this second!

Me (12:58:23 PM): Well, we are friends hun. I keep in contact with you as I do a majority of my friends.

That was me nicely pointing out that he is not my boy friend.

As for contact with my friends - So I suck at contact outside of my extremely small inner circle. I'm extremely selective who has access to me and when. I issue no apologies for that.

Me (12:59:27 PM): I think about you as well. My schedule doesn't always permit me to do much more than quickly talk online to be in contact though. That's the same as with most all my friends. Even with my best friend, a majority of our contact is online.

See me try to be nice there in explaining!

Henry (1:00:31 PM): See Ya

Henry signed off at 1:00:39 PM

When in crisis, what are you supposed to do? Why party of course! It's best to forget your sorrows, forget your pain, forget your problems. All that can be dealt with tomorrow! After all, tomorrow is another day.

I decided that I wanted to go clubbing this weekend, to get out and get some happy hyper going on. (Being home is boring and depressing!) So I told Phil he was coming with. Then called Chad. I of course promoted it as the 2004 debut of The Fabulous Divas! Clubbing is no fun if it's not an event of spectacular and historic proportions! Hehehee

It was fun. That Kid Chris was the DJ. He was Fab. I'm got to find his cd's. I had previously only knew of him because he did my favorite mix of What It Feels Like For A Girl. Unfortunately he didn't spin that one last night, but whatever. I felt a tad out of place while at Velvet. There were soooooooooooooo many children there. Even I felt they were too young to wanna "socialize" with. LoL This coming from the person that once would date guys as young as legally possible! There was one guy that was trying to hit on me or something. I was just totally un-amused by it, and had no idea how to handle such situations. Not that there was anything particularly wrong with him. Well, other than his poor choice in the Wardrobe Designer he used! LoL I just had to "go to the little boy's room" a lot. Madonna, much to my surprised excitement, seemed to be in heavy rotation that night there! Peter's Private Life Mix of Nobody Knows Me, The Mad Brit Mixshow version of Me Against The Music, some non WB commissioned, slow, electric like mix of Music, and a few others. Loads of fun bitching and making fun the obviously Un-Fabulous that were all over the place. I'm pretty sure I can now truthfully say I am bitter. I'm pretty damn sure I'm on the road that leads to "Old Queen" too! *sigh* Well by 2am, boredom set in. It was time to leave. I am just too damn old to be out at such late hours! LoL

So yeah, that was my clubbing experience for the year. Didn't it sound Fabulous?!?! :-P I'll go back when they have Madonnarama. However, in all honesty I'll go and end up standing or sitting somewhere, listening and singing along with Madonna, pausing occasionally to comment about how they fucked up one of the mixes or something! ^_^

Breathe in.. breathe out. I say a little prayer, how the Gods above could be so unfair. I know there's someone out there waiting for me. There must be someone out there. There just has to be.

Uggg, I dunno what it's been this week, but all my thoughts are haunted by my past. I don't want to think about any of it any more.

In different news, today marks the one year mark that I've lived inside of the city. I think this is the longest I've stayed somewhere since the Townhouse in Fredericksburg.