Impressive Instant: Life In The Red Velvet Chair

*sigh* Well it's another year. This one has got to be better than the last! Last night's party was the first New Years Eve that was really good. I was very impressed! There were lots of str8 people there though. I was getting scared until I saw Chad C. and then other fairies showed up. Damn breeders just were everywhere making out. A lot of them were fucked up well before midnight. It really was sad. I just had to take in mind that they were str8 and that midnight was awful late for them. So I let it all slide! lol

After midnight I called Grandma to wish her a Happy New Years. I wanted to call my friend Jeff in Minnesota, but I wasn't sure where he'd be so I didn't. The next day I find out that he was home with his rents. I felt really bad about that. He seemed upset and all. Hopefully next year will be better for him. I told him I'd bring him here to have fun next time!

After midnight and the phone calls Chad and I got some Champaign and chatted. He knows me better than I thought. So we talked about our relationship. Grant it I am still as confused about it as before, but I feel better. I think it's just because I got to talk it out. So yeah anyways we are together, yet not, yet we are, but ..... who the hell knows! lol I'm not going to sit and worry about it. I'm just going to continue to live my life like I always have. Maybe later on we'll be together. If not though it's ok. If it's meant to be it will.

I want this year to be different for me. I want to grow up a little. I'm not saying that I want to be "grown up", I want to be on my way though. I have ambitions for my life and I need to start getting things in order to accomplish those goals. I need to start looking to the future than only today. I do not want to loose the freeness and the fun of living just for today though. I just want to take that and grow on it and use it for tomorrow.

This weekend was rather dull. I just got a movie and chilled at home. I'm thinking I shouldn't do that too much! Saturday I was tired all day until around 11. Suddenly I was WIDE awake then! So I put in the music and danced around my room. Next week I'll make sure to be out!

I've only got a bit longer then I'll be at the new place and can relax again. I can't wait. This watching TV crap is killing me. I used to be such a TV person, but now, it's too boring for me to watch constantly. ^_^

I'm finally free!!!!! I have everything moved to my new place except the bed. I'll be doing that tomorrow. The bitch was doing nothing but glaring at me when I left, except for the brief minute she spoke to ask for rent. I laughed! It's nice to be able to just relax again and not have to worry about someone shutting your stuff off or bitching at you for no real reason.

Henry is being extremely social again to me. *shrugs* It's nice though. I missed being friends with him. Maybe he's finally over our breakup now! Yay!

Oh my God! So the Bitches man called me this morning to tell me to come get the rest of my stuff because they were putting it out on the lawn. I guess I really didn't care since I was just giving the stuff away anyways, but HOW RUDE! After Henry got up here we went and got it all.

It was rather comical though. They did have the couch and entertainment center in the yard (how white trash!) Then she wouldn't even show her face. She had her man keep coming to check on me. So when I left I took her Sex And The City DVDs. LOL Well I get back to my house and open it up..... The DVDs weren't in there. I mean if she wanted to hide them from me, why didn't she take the whole case? I laughed my ass off! It was just too funny.

Well first of all I do not even remember going into Velvet. That's just how damn good I was feeling! I danced my ass off (literally - like tons of weight came off last night!) We stayed on the dance floor all night long. No VIP for us. Just like the old days. It wasn't all that hard with Manny being there. Oooooo and and and Manny gave me - "I like to singy singy singy, like a bird on the wingy wingy wingy. I like to rumba rumba rumba, dance to a samba samba samba"!!!!

I was also *gets all excited* told that Frank was there! YAY! I don't remember much of it, but I guess I went over and danced near him. Well at least I know that he's alive and I have a chance with him still! I worry you know! He's getting up there. I need to hurry and get a hold of that wallet before the poor thing dies! *giggle*

It really was a blast! However, next week we will make our return back to the Velvet Fabulous that we have become accustomed to!

I feel the need to discuss the uncouth behavior of men online. The proper way to introduce yourself is to NOT start by saying your dick size. You're name would suffice! Your first question should not be "What are you into?" It should be more on the lines of "How are you doing?" or "What are you up to tonight?" Just something like that.

Lets pretend for a minute, if you could, that you are out in the real world. Would you go up to a perfect stranger in a restaurant and immediately start the conversation with "I'm 44 with a 7 inch cut cock. What do you have?"? No you wouldn't. If you have any social knowledge you'd start with a "Hi!" or something simple like that. So why do men feel that they can loose all of their social grace once they are online? Do they really think this is attractive?

Also why does it always seem to be the guys over 30 that have this issue? Most anyone, except a few, that have been under 30 follow the regular social laws up politeness. Let me just clue the old folks in - If you want a guy that's under 30 you might want to try a conversation, cause more than likely you look your age and if you don't have a personality you don't have anything going for you unless you are one of the few with a bulging WALLET!

*sigh* I feel better now that I have that off my chest! Now off to enjoy the rest of this fabulous black holiday with a HUGE ......

Well it was nice to be back to Velvet Fabulous again! Although not many people were out last night. The "other" Chad finally came out to play. It was nice seeing him. Poor thing needed to get out anyways. As did I, but when don't I need to be out? *giggle*

As always had a fabulous time with my Chad. Danced, danced, danced. He did get a little tipsy last night, but not the "Ab Fab" tipsy that he was that one night! lol Nothing overly exciting happened. It was just quality time with him is all. *sigh*

So last night, as most Friday nights I was horny as hell! I have no idea what it is about Fridays. Well I decided to have sex with this guy that had been talking to me for the past month or so. I had even spoken to him a bit over the summer. I had never met him in the past, basically because I don't normally do hookups and he wasn't my type. Last night however I was horny and hadn't had any in over a month.

So I go over to his house *rolls eyes*. He seemed nice enough. He was rather shy though. He offered me a drink and I accepted. He kept telling me to drink up and the second I put the finished glass down he grabbed it and refilled. I was like okies. When he returned with it (I watched him make it from the couch, paying attention if he was putting anything in it) he told me to drink up we had all night. That was the first thing that freaked me out. That's when I told him he didn't have to liquor me up to do anything. I just wanted to have sex and go home. My brain was already thinking about stuff I could be doing!

After what seemed like forever he started to attempt to get in my pants. He had absolutely no idea how to do it, even though I was making it as easy as humanly possible. Then he told me there were no worries and that I was safe. Well I hadn't worried until then! LOL It was just odd!

After and hour of slow progression he decided that we could go to the bedroom. So off to the bedroom we go! Again I wanted was to fuck and go. I don't know what the hell he was trying to do. He didn't even try to make out. He was humping me, but more like a floundering fish! lol

I realized that I was just going to have to take care of everything myself. So I laid him on his back and decided just to use him as a live dildo. Even that was a pain. He kept trying to grab and touch and he just sucked at it! I told him to stop and just relax. Would he listen? Oh hell no! So I had to hold his hands own through the whole thing.

Well then he wants to cuddle. That's cool. However, he decided to take this time to tell me that he loves me and we were gonna be "bros" for a long time. NO!!! It was time to leave and quick!

I about at the same time started feeling immense pains of guilt. He felt like I had cheated on Chad. I felt like crying. I knew that he told me that he was putting no restrictions on what I do. I just didn't feel right about sleeping around on him. I just had to leave. So I did.

I came home hoping "other" Chad would be online to chat with. He wasn't, but my Chad was. So I said hi. Then told him that I loved him. He went to bed then, so I called "other" Chad. These feelings of guilt just were not me. Talking with him helped. It was basically just a lot of bs talk, but it got my mind off of it all. I'm feeling ok about it now. Just not too happy that I did what I did is all.

So this morning I got up and my phone rang. It was Henry, wanting to know if I wanted to go to his condo in North Carolina Valentines weekend. *sigh* Why the hell didn't he do that stuff when we were dating???? I obviously declined because of my plans with Chad. Told him I would another weekend though if he wanted to. Who knows what will happen. I just really hope he doesn't start falling for me again. I know the guy loves me and all, so do I, but I can't ever date him.

Alright, well I've got more in my head that I wanna get out, but I don't think now is the time. More later! ^_^

"Oh yeah, I forgot it's you. Guilt, it's a feeling of .... oh wait, back up. A feeling is...."

Well I don't know what the hell all that was about, but I know that it's time to change some things in my life. I called "other" Chad last night and talked through it all. He basically told me to shut the fuck up, get over it, and eat some cheesecake. God I love him! lol Then I talked to Henry this morning and he told me that maybe I'm growing up. *shutters*

Of course that wasn't the only thing Henry and I talked about. He had actually called me wanting to know if I wanted to go to his condo in North Carolina Valentines weekend. *sigh* Why the hell didn't he do that stuff when we were dating???? I obviously declined because of my plans with Chad. Told him I would another weekend though if he wanted to. Who knows what will happen. I just really hope he doesn't start falling for me again. I know the guy loves me and all, so do I, but I can't ever date him.

I have been feeling very very anxious the past few weeks. I know I've been a total bitch at work. I think that I need to get off my lazy butt and go make an appointment at the doctors. I really should get on the pills again. I really thought I was over needing them to stay calm. I guess not. It is probably the season though. I'm rather odd with that. Most people get all depressed, anxious, or whatever in the fall and winter months. I, on the other hand, do it in the spring and summer months. *shrugs*

J.Lo. party my ass! They played one, yes just ONE remix the whole night. To top it off the remix was played in the Blue Room rather than the Main Hall!!! Why would you promote a J. Lo. party and not play any of her music? I knew that they would have to play other stuff as well. After all the girl hasn't been around long enough to fill up a whole evening of music, but only one song???. It just irked me that they played nothing of hers. I guess I should be thankful that they at least put posters up for the new cd, which I grabbed on the way out.

The night was nice just the same. Really not that many people there that I knew. Jonny was there. I talked with him most of the night. He was about as displeased as I was at the change in crowds at Velvet. VIP is not what it used to be. You used to be able to go in there and everyone knew each other. Now, it's just a hodge podge of what evers. Even the str8 people are starting to invade it. Of course one of the problems may have been that I was basically sober. That is never a good thing when you're out at a club. So chatting was about it for the evening. Of course being with Chad as always was the highlight.

There is this boi there that I always see in the Blue Room. He looks familiar, like someone that I had met before. I just never knew from where. I guess I should have just gone up to him and said hi and found out where I knew him from, but I'm too damn shy around cute bois. Well anyways last night I finally talked to him. I think he said his name was Billy. Lord knows I'm bad with names. LOL Now I will at least know his name and have to stop wondering where I know him from.

It was a nothing day. Did a lot of thinking. I'm not too fond of doing that! hehehe So lets spend some quality about Saturday night. It's taken me a few days for it to hit. I'm quite sure I'll be over it soon enough. When Chad does talk about his feelings and what's going on in his head, he tells the truth. So I'm pretty sure I know what he's thinking about me and stuff. I know the boi loves me. I honestly don't believe he loves me like I do him. That's fine I guess. I think the only problem I have with that portion is the fact - Well is this something that takes time or is it something that isn't there? I definitely don't want him to ever be in anything he doesn't really want. I'm a firm believer that either a relationship is there or it isn't. I don't think that it's something that can be created or forced to make happen.

He does tell me that he loves me. He just isn't ready to settle down, this being the concept I've gotten from talking with him. He told me that he was seriously thinking about all of it all day Friday. He said he was thinking about how there was nothing better than me. However, the way he said it, not that he was being mean, or for that fact even realizing how I'd take that, I feel that maybe if he's with me he is just settling. I don't want him too. I'd much rather let him go, so that he can have whatever it is that he really really wants. I never want him to settle. Just as I won't just settle for myself.

Another thing that kind of got me jacked up, yet I'm trying hard to disregard it - (Please note that he was drunk and made a HUGE point to let me know this was not in any way his opinion) His Mom told him that he could do better than me, looks wise. OK So I know I have a low self esteem issue and am not the "perfect model", but whatever.

I think for whatever reason I just analyze everything in my life too damn much. I really should stop thinking so much. I am trying to be laid back with all of this. Let whatever is going to happen happen. It's hard, but I think I'm doing ok so far.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! I mean I had heard stories of small dicks before, but I had never seen a true "little" dick before. Hahaha!!! Well I let some guy come over last night to suck him off. Holy shit! It was tiny! I was nice though, didn't say anything about it. I was soooo laughing inside though. I mean Christ, I could have used it for a toothpick! *giggle* Just to be nice though I pretended to choke once or twice for him! HAHAHA

On a side note here - Can someone tell me what the hell "safe oral sex" is?? Is it sucking on a dildo or something??? I mean Jesus here, you putting a damn penis in your mouth. Where can you get any more safe or unsafe with that??? I don't think there's a lot to negotiate on the safe level there!

Well I took today off so that I could go to Fredericksburg to see Karen. Of course, as true to form, she wasn't around. I called her yesterday, and no answer. I pretty much knew then that she wouldn't be around today, but I was still taking the day off. I felt like shit yesterday and wanted today to relax.

I guess I just have to realize that she's really not my best friend any more. Actually I don't think I have a best friend at this moment. There really isn't any one person that I can confide in anymore. I guess Chad is as close as it comes, but I don't even tell him everything.

I don't even know what to say about him. I love him and all, but I know that we just aren't meant to be. He doesn't feel the same about me. I can tell. That's cool. I just need to figure out how to get past my feelings and remain friends. I think that after Valentines weekend I'm going to start shutting up about any feelings I have towards him. He knows what I think. I just need to shut the fuck up is all.

As for my job. I know that this isn't the right one for me. I don't know if I'll ever find what it is that I want to do in life. It just scares the shit out of me that I'm 25 and I know damn well that I have 40 - 50 more years of work to go. Will I ever find anything that I can do?

I thought I could do this job, but the property manager gets so bitchy with me, like I should be doing more. Yet all the numbers that they wanted me to produce are there. So I don't understand my role. I thought I was supposed to make sure that the traffic comes through the door. Well it does. Still no one is happy.

Now they are talking about eliminating the Outreach Coordinator position in the company all together. I don't know what will happen to me if they do that. I really should just start preparing my resume now and look for a different job. I don't want anything to do with sales or marketing any more. I'm really really good at being an assistant. I can do whatever needs to be done on a computer, I'm good on the phone, I can organize any ones life, I'm very good at organizational skills. I just want something that is a cut and dry - this is you job kind of thing.

I'm starting to think my life is going to shit. I have nothing that is a definite. No one thing or person that I can rely on being there. I say that I'm self reliant and that no one matters, but that's a lie. Other people do matter. My own fucking mother doesn't want me. I've been trying to get in touch with her for the last month with no response. You'd think that after that long I'd give up and stop, but I'm too stupid to do that.

I think what it is - I want everything that I can't have. What is it that I can't have? EVERYTHING!

I want to just leave now and go to NYC, but I know that it's just me running away from issues here. I know that nothing is really gonna be better there. There is no such thing as the grass being greener on the other side. I need to just make peace with myself here.

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn! Shortly after I took the first pill it hit - HARD! I was so knocked on my ass. I spent most of the night sitting in a chair.

Whatever pill Chad was on put him in a touchy feely mood. So last night was nice. I started out kind of nervous and bitchy. For a while it was looking like there were no pills. Thank god for friends!. We finally got some. *giggle*

So Tommi was there last night. I noticed him when I went to go say something to Jonny. There he was. I couldn't very well ignore him. So being as polite as he had taught me, i smiled, said hi, and hugged him. I miss him, yet I'm angry with him. When we were in VIP he came over and sat next to me. He started to talk. Basically it all seemed like pleasantries still. I just couldn't open up and talk though. I automatically went into the defense mode and only talked about good things. I ended up just getting up and moving on to other friends.

Ricky kept saying how cute we were together. *smiles* and Chad told him that he loved me.

I'm nervous about going back to work tomorrow. I guess I have nothing to worry about. I'm not going to be in any trouble. I'm just not digging my job anymore is all. Thank god it's a 4 day work week for me, then off to Baltimore with Chad!

Well I don't think I was as much of a bitch today as I had been, but I still wasn't in the best of humor. We got our new suit in today. That was cool I guess. It's just that, well remember when you were a kid and you got a gift that you never wanted or even asked for? Yet you were expected to be all happy and excited about it? You just smiled and tried to not hurt any ones feelings. Well that's how I feel about these suits. Nice of them and all, but I don't want anyone else picking out my outfits for me. They are from Jones of New York. Ehhh. They just aren't my style is all. I've always had the theory that if you can't have what you want then why get anything? I can't afford Armani so I don't feel the need to get a cheap suit! lol

I think soon I'm going to need therapy again. I'm starting to feel like the world is falling apart again. When I step back and look at my life, I can't see any real turmoil. So I know it's just me. God I'm psycho!

I guess I ended up thinking a lot about shit with Tommi and I. *rolls eyes* I was really hoping I could just let it all go, but you know me! So I wrote him an email tonight -

*hugs*

Stephen"

Mmhmm that's right I admitted guilt! Shit who knew!!!?? I think soon I'm going to need therapy again. I'm starting to feel like the world is falling apart again. When I step back and look at my life, I can't see any real turmoil. So I know it's just me. God I'm psycho!

I wonder if being bi-polar gets worse when you get older. *shrugs*

FEBRUARY 12th 2002

Physically I still feel like shit, but mentally I'm better. After I told everyone what I was thinking about whatever yesterday, I read my horoscope. LOL Told me that I should keep my mouth shut and not say everything I was thinking. *shrugs* Too late for that!

I had a decent day today at work. I was in meetings all day. I have no real clue what was going on other than this HOT guy was there all day! *drool*

I be good boi though! *giggle*

FEBRUARY 17th 2002

Chad and I went to Baltimore Friday afternoon, even though we both basically felt like shit. The hotel was icky and NO jacuzzi or bar. The city was just plain dirty. I felt like going out with a bottle of 409 and start scrubbing it all down! lol obviously the weekend did not go at all like I had thought it would, but that's ok. It's not like I really had any real thoughts on what to do anyways.

The first night we wanted Chinese for diner. *shakes head* Well after walking all the way to the ghetto we find this little dive. We ordered the food for dine in, then sat and waited for it to be done. Eventually the little Chinese girl came with the food in a bag. We let her know it was supposed to be for dine in. She hands it to us and says "You go." LOL So we took it and rushed back to the hotel to eat it. That was pretty much the event for the evening. It was TV and chatting before I passed out asleep.

The next day we packed up and then went down to the Inner Harbor, I didn't want to stay another night!. I still wasn't impressed when we got to the Inner Harbor. Chad felt it would be nice in warmer weather. I thought not. I don't think I'll be back anytime soon. At least I can check that visit off my list of things to do before I leave the area though!

The plan for Saturday evening was to go to the Crossroads premiere party at Velvet. That didn't happen. A certain someone had to change their outfit at least 5 times before he deemed himself beautiful enough to go out to just to see the movie. Since we ended up going to a later showing of the movie we just decided not to go to Velvet. We went over to "other" Chad's house. I think it was a better choice to go there anyways. We just chilled out there and watched TV.

The highlight of the evening: Chad putting on a pair of silver hot pants! LOL It was so cute and hot!

FEBRUARY 19th 2002

I see other couple together and it's so cute, but at the same time I get so sad. I want that so bad. I'd give everything to have a boi that loves me as much as I love them. I'd kill to have a boi look at me, smile, kiss me, and know they aren't leaving me. I want someone to cuddle in bed with, to go to the movies with, just everything..... I don't know if that will ever happen though. God knows Chad isn't the one. I know in few days I'll go back to saying how in love I am with him and how everything is great. The truth is, I am in love with him, but it's not reciprocated. Fuck it

I saw this the other day - It's exactly what I feel.

"My fantasy is to fall in love with the ONE boy I've waited for all my life. For that one boy to want me and ONLY me. For us to build a life together and be happy. To show, for once, that a real relationship in the gay world CAN work. To fall asleep EVERY night with him, thankful he is there, only to be excited to wake up in the morning just to kiss him. For him to talk to me about any and everything. To be his best friend. My fantasy is to be that boy's everything, his dream. From now until forever. THAT is my fantasy."

FEBRUARY 20th 2002

*shakes head and looks at watch* What the fuck am I doing?

Oddly I learned things and found comfort from the one person that has been causing me the most stress - my boss. Who knew? *giggle*

Last night I went out to diner with Marcus. The poor thing always ends up waiting at the restaurant forever till I get there. I need to start learning how to leave work earlier so I can actually meet him on time! After a pleasant conversation with the meal we decided to just go rent a movie rather than go to the theatre. Of course there was nothing we wanted to see there, so we just had to wing it with the movies I already had at the house. I find things go better if not planned out.

On a side note there - Enrique Iglesias is so freaking stuck on him self. I'm watching the MTV 2002 Fashion Awards.

Great fooling around last night. I know the boi wanted to fuck me, but I just didn't want to. Just did a lot of for play. He's really good at that. I gave him a blow job. I'd been wanting to do that for about a year now. He seemed impressed. He said that he never cums off of one, but he did it rather quickly with me.

I'm excited about partying tonight, but I'm really not in the mood to see Chad. I know that he's not my bf and I want to just get over that. I can't really say anything to him though, because I do still want to be friends. I guess I just feel awkward is all. It should all be good, I think he's got some friends coming, so I can go do my own thing.

Well Janeane Garofalo was hilarious. I had no clue what to expect and was very pleasantly pleased. However, the drunk chick sitting next to us was annoying. Janeane basically had to tell her to shut up a few times. "You may not realize this, but this isn't TV. I can hear what you say!"

After the concert Chad and I went to Velvet for the Kylie party. It was rather dead there. It was all good though. We didn't get there till almost 2. Tommi was at Velvet last night, so I chatted with him for quite sometime while there then finally chatted with Chad. I was obviously happy to see him. I think it's all good now.

I'm single again too. I'm actually relieved about that. I would have never thought that I would have been the one to ever break up with Chad. Well he was thinking the same thing, I just verbalized it to start. I didn't like the tension that I was feeling between us. He's supposed to be my best friend and I don't want to loose that. He said he was afraid that I'd end up leaving and eventually not speak to him again. That defiantly isn't the case. I'd really be depressed without him as a friend. So basically I felt extremely relieved after our conversation.

*giggle* I was a bad boi. I went to a guys house in Arlington last night and fucked like rabbits. Again with he small dick though. At least it didn't taste funny like the last one. He was a damn good fuck too!

Well obviously there's no drama going on, since I have about nothing to say. I'm thinking that's a good thing!

Went to see Lord Of The Rings last night. It was ok. Just too long is all. Way too much in it for me to comprehend in one sitting. I'll have to get it when it hits DVD so I can watch it and pay attention.

On the bright side - I did receive on hell of a compliment last night. As I was tricking with this guy, we finished and of course told me how fabulous I was and blah blah blah .... we talked, then he leaned up to me, looked in my eyes, and said "You're not your average AOL trick are you?" I just smiled, giggled, and moved to another topic. That oddly meant a lot to me though.